Illusions in darkness, reflections of a past life
Don’t let your life go wasted, what’s done is done
There’s still a chance
For a new start
Leave all that hurts
In the back of your mind
Abandoned in your fears you think you are alone
Your senses all these years have lead you wrong
There is always a light
In the darkest of days
You must find your own truth
You have your own path to trace
And remember my friend
You are not so alone
There so many others
Like you in this world
Secret Illusion – Illusion
The day of The New Beginning is marked as
January 15, 2018.
My wife [we were already separated] suggested the book “Why Does He Do That?” to me, I got it the same day and started reading… I do not want to follow what’s in the book in chronological order – that’s boring. Even though I have read it from the beginning – and still reading it – to the end, I want to share main points. Maybe you are the head of the family, and you’re puzzled “How come I am so disrespected by my family?” – well, I must tell you that the reason is you. And this will hurt. Oh no, not me telling you will hurt, but rather you uncovering your inner self in front of your very eyes will hurt. But you know, whenever the wound hurts – it means that it is healing. And it will hurt big time, I’m telling you!
Open the book on page 119 and look at this interesting point: “An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable. He may hide what he does because he thinks other people would disagree with it, but he feels justified inside”. I started to think about this… Who might be hiding what he does because he thinks others would disagree with what he feels is rightly justifiable? A thief, probably..Yes, sure. Some murderers…Terrorists, perhaps. They are hiding what they’re doing and what they’re thinking, and they feel completely justified for their actions. A thief steals from someone he thinks has surplus, a murderer thinks that the victim deserves to die, I don’t know what terrorists think but definitely they think they’re some kind of heroes.
Now. Are all these people abusers? Certainly! Then I thought of myself… I laid hands on my wife. Yes, she was angry at me first, yes she called me names, she unjustly accused me of things I have not done or even felt, she hurt my feelings deeply – I felt completely justified by my physical action, and yet… I would not go around telling people “Look, my wife said this and that, and acted so and so, well she deserved a good punch” – WHY? Because I knew deep inside that I did wrong, but in my mind I found “excuses” for my actions. I was focusing on how I’ve been mistreated, I was magnifying effects of my mistreatment to the maximum proportions, and because of doing so I had no room/time/energy/desire left for analyzing my own action.
See at the end of page 81: “I came to realize…that the abusive man wants to be a mystery. To get away with his behavior and to avoid having to face his problem, he needs to convince everyone around him – and himself – that his behavior makes no sense. He needs his partner to focus on everything except the real causes of his behavior.” – WOW! – it continues on next page 82: “Part of how the abuser escapes confronting himself is by convincing you that you are the cause of his behavior…” WOW-WOW-WOW!!! Hey, that’s me! For goodness’ sake, this is about me. I always wanted to remain “a mystery” – I even used to tell my wife that I would never open up myself to her – and I was wondering at myself “Why am I saying that?”. I had some kind of buzz in my mind – I don’t want anyone to get into my mind, I don’t want people close – while at the same time, I tried to understand how others think, why they act certain way, what moves people do these things and not those, etc. I was like that undercover investigator, who peers into deepest things of others, remaining enigmatic and unapproachable. Why? I had no idea.
But now I do – this is the part of my abusive mind, yes-yes! – and only the small part.
There is still so much to uncover! And as for the part on page 82 – yes, I was first of all convinced myself that my wife’s actions and anger, first of all, was the reason of my behavior. Same thing, I used to justify threatening my kids – if you would obey me right away, I wouldn’t have to get angry.
Cut it right here. Stop and hear the truth.
Open on page 125 and start with the last sentence, continuing onto the next page: “When people conclude that anger causes abuse, they are confusing cause and effect. [name] was not abusive because he was angry; he was angry because he was abusive. Abusers carry attitudes that produce fury.” How do you like that? Go now, analyze. Think. Why did you get angry at your wife? Because you thought that you had a right. No? OK, when the police came, did you get angry at them? After all, they can really hurt you, they can put handcuffs on you and throw you in the cell – how come your rage isn’t going on them? ah? Here is another point – abusers do control their actions. Abuser gets angry at those who he thinks he has the right to get angry at. But do I really have a right to get angry, at anybody? No. What on earth makes me think that I can protect myself by physical action and hurt my wife, all it depends on is the severity of the offense? Vadim, stop this, I told myself.
But is it enough to realize and to admit to myself that my actions are wrong? No, there is much more to that. And I’m on the path of changing, uncovering, unveiling my person within. You know, the abuser wants to remain a mystery to others, do you know why? Because he is a mystery to himself at the first place! I have to first solve this mystery of myself, and this is The New Beginning… I will never stop. I want to have my family back, I want my wife to feel how genuinely I love her, my kids not being afraid of talking to me – I have to. Because I can’t imagine any different ways of living, I simply don’t want anything else. I want to become the person that I really want to be. I’ve been always imagining myself that person, but failed to make it real. At least now I know the reason of my failure, and soon will know what steps to take.
There is another book I started to read recently, “Stop Hurting The Woman You Love” written by 3 authors. I bought it on Google Play Books store.
In the preface, it says “It takes real courage for a man to admit to himself that his life is not working out as he had planned, especially if he has to face the fact that he has hurt the women and children he loves. Fortunately, when a man decides he is ready to make positive changes, he can draw on the wisdom of people like [the book’s authors], and learn from the numerous men whose stories they recount and discuss with great insight and compassion in these pages.” – well, we can do the same here. I mean, share our stories and learn from each other.
The book’s authors are saying in the preface: “Some of the men in our groups are angry, aggressive, and antisocial. They use women carelessly and callously, and they have little interest in establishing real relationships. Other men want their partners to be happy; they dream of creating stable and loving homes. They truly want to love the women in their lives. Yet they too hurt their partners—emotionally and physically—and in spite of their remorse, many of them are abusive and violent again and again. Our book is for this second group.” – therefore, this book is for me! At last, a book written for men who want to change! I belong to the second group, oh yes, I do. Because I really am dreaming of creating stable and loving home. I have many wrong ideas and frustrations, but I am searching for the right way.
Jesus said in Matthew 7:7-8: “Keep on asking, and it will be given you; keep on seeking, and you will find; keep on knocking, and it will be opened to you; for everyone asking receives, and everyone seeking finds, and to everyone knocking, it will be opened.” I sincerely hope that one day it will be given to me, one day I will find, and one day it will be opened to me, for I am doing all these things.
It is the time, therefore, for Deep Thinking.