Can women be the abusers?

Just say that you love me
Alone and silent face to face
Just say that you need me
Those words that swallow this empty space

Silence finds distance
And the distance will see us falter
Violent condition
Of a heart that always shames love

Just say it’s over, all we’ve become
Just say it’s time to lessen the sum
To tear down the bridge and build a divide
Erase all the memories drawn inside

Just say now you’ve touched me
Say all that I’m feeling won’t come undone
Just say in this darkness
That you’ll be here when the morning comes

You say that you love me
But those words are empty just like my heart
You say that you need me
But your words just lead us to fall apart

Sleepthief – Just Say It


Lundy Bancroft writes on page 709 of his book:

Are we supposed to pretend we don’t notice that the overwhelming majority of abusers are male?

And he’s right. The reports and social studies show that majority of the phone calls to 911 are made by women. And his book is dedicated towards helping to identify such males. In my honest opinion, it’s a brilliant book. This book should’ve existed long time ago, from the beginning of the mankind. It’s very humbling and eye-opening.
However, we should not make an assumption based only on police reports and the number of phone calls that mostly, if not only, women are being abused by men.  In most cases, men do not report.  They’re just “taking it” and “dealing with it”, even though not too well.  Also, based on another research, overwhelming majority of men believe that it’s OK for a woman to angrily yell and curse, call names, and even slap, shove, or throw things at man when she’s upset.  No wonder they’re staying silent and do not report.  And, how many shelters for women victims of conjugal violence exist in your city?  Probably more than one.  And how many for men?  In my city – none.  As well as in the country I live, in Canada.  See here – Canadian Association for EqualitySomehow the humankind is coming toward a tendency to believe that men do not need to share feelings, they don’t feel hurt.  Men never cry, right? WRONG.  Men don’t feel as much as women do, right? WRONG!  Men tend to hide their feelings, right?  RIGHT!
Am I trying to shift the attention and responsibility from men towards women?  By no means, NO.
Look people, there is something very important that we all must understand.  We don’t want to punish anybody.  We don’t want to hurt anyone for the sake of vengeance.  We must help one another to stop hurting.  The life is overfilled with pain and sorrow; by causing more pain, we’re contributing to the common basket of badness – stop doing that.  I know that not everyone will, just because I’m asking.  But at least I myself am trying to, and want to be an example.

I don’t know who might read my blog and I do not know everyone’s story.
Please do not think that my only purpose is to blame men in all marital problems. In fact, the word “blame” is not applicable to this entire blog, as I mentioned at the beginning in “About me“.

In many relationships, if not in all, both sides can make a difference and put forth efforts. But it is only possible if each will focus on his/her own issues. If I’m trying to identify the wrong actions of my own and am working on uprooting the harmful values and attitudes, our marriage will succeed. Yes, even if only I alone am doing it. Of course, it would be ideal if both were walking on the same path, but you know why is it wrong to look at your wife and wonder whether she’s working on herself or not? Because eventually it will become your full-time job, paid by the satisfaction of finding imperfections in your partner, and then – back to finger-pointing, expectations, and certainly giving-up. You simply won’t have energy for changing yourself. But this type of work requires a lot, a lot of energy.
Nevertheless, I want to share what I have found about abusive women. Don’t take me wrong – Lundy Bancroft’s book is amazing. It helps every man [I can only speak from a man’s perspective] to look at himself and sincerely acknowledge his rotten parts and work on them. Men are at fault in many cases, and I believe that a man must take the first step in improving relationship – by changing himself and only himself, and once the step is taken – never stop. Do not take it as if I’m starting to attack women now, please. But there is extensive work done in exposing abusive women, as well as men, and I would like to share a few things.


The author of this book [a woman] gives 10 warning signs, and I feel that I must share them – not with men, but with women, rather. Look at it this way – I took the book “Why Does he Do That?” which was originally written for women, and I am using it to educate myself and change my patterns, let it be in painful way, but no choice, the wound must hurt before it heals. I sincerely wish to all women, who would recognize themselves within these signs, to humble themselves, never hate themselves but rather lovingly look at their own errors and try to be different with all sincerity.
Warning Signs for Men:

  1. 1.Find out about her past relationships. How long did they last? Were they short lived? How did they end?
  2. 2. Pay attention to how she handles anger in your relationship. What does she do when she is frustrated? How does she communicate when she is mad at you?
  3. See her on a bad day.
  4. 4. Is she very demanding? Demanding of you, of your time, resources?
  5. 5. Is she manipulating and controlling? Is she trying to control what you do and who you see? Does she turn things around so it is always your fault?
  6. Is she extremely jealous?
  7. Does she isolate you from friends and family?
  8. Does she say cruel things to you?
  9. Does she have mood swings?
  10. 10. Does she show erratic behavior? Does she make impulsive decisions.

Here is the full page with author’s interview
I don’t want to comment here about anyone, because this isn’t the purpose of my blog. I can only tell that if we look at most families, most of us are abusers; we aren’t perfect. But if we work on our imperfections, we can succeed in making members of our family happy. As I said previously, my purpose is to change myself. My purpose is to make my wife and children feel happy to be around me, to be grateful to have me in their lives. No demands can help me in achieving this goal. It helps me to write about my admittance, my weaknesses, my mistakes and problems, and later on – about the changes I’m making.

That’s all.


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