How much time have we wasted
In countless, sleepless nights
Trying so hard to fight…
Something to adorn to
When the world comes falling down
Like a laden barren tree
Stars are falling…Every single day
Is just a fleeting memories…
I am not so well-versed in terminology, neither do I have such a great experience in writing as the authors of books I’ve read; nevertheless, I want to try to describe what The Magnifying Glass Inspector is like. It seems to be easy – just write about myself, but no, it is the most difficult. I have to look at myself and give descriptions as if I’m looking at someone else. And I have only one person – myself, while other authors base their research on many-many cases.
Whenever this person meets new people, he does appreciate their good sides. He always has a hope that this new person would be a great friend, or just a nice person to be around. Then, after a certain period, the more he gets closer to others, the more he begins to analyze their traits of personalities; he is trying to understand people. But no matter what good intentions he has, his main point of interest becomes their weaknesses and negative aspects of their personalities. We can say, well, everyone has weaknesses and strength. Right. And he knows that. But he installs a huge magnifying glass in front of his eyes, yes just like on this picture, so that both hands are available to point at faults of others. “Oh, this guy, what is his problem? He is not sincere and his smile isn’t genuine. And this one, I’m sure he’s a liar and he just pretends to be good but who knows what he really thinks about you. And I would be a friend with that one, maybe, but he isn’t that smart and we don’t have what to talk about.”
But he doesn’t just keep it to himself. He shares his opinions about people with others. First, with those close to him. Then, when his friends are tired of listening to this negativity, he switches on others, and can talk all day long about how imperfect others are, etc.
But all of the above is only a small fraction compared to how he treats his family. His wife is tired of listening all the negative things he thinks about children. He is sure that they’re being dishonest in their words and actions. He is so sure that the child is lying – and yes, sometime children do lie – but let him catch a child at least once on lying, there will be no end to his suspicions. He takes a big magnifying glass which is tuned to notice only imperfections. And instead of overlooking and forgiving the imperfections, he meditates and dwells on them.
What can I say… Yes, this is me. Yes, I did this and I understood that it is wrong to have so much judgement, but I was in a very deep denial. The reasoning I had inside my head – I am trying to foresee the bad before it occurs, I’m not going to be deceived by others since I can see them through and know their intentions. I’m like a mobile X-ray machine! Remember, in the beginning I admitted that always wanted to remain a mystery while stubbornly assessing others, trying to understand their thinking? I don’t know whether this a part of Water Torturer, probably not. But the combination of these two – can you imagine how deadly and destructive it is to emotional well-being of my wife? Of my children, whom I always put to doubt? It is like torturing with water but replacing water with vinegar or another acid!
Between the time when I wrote my first 2 pages and now, about 2 weeks have passed. I am still reading “Why Does he Do That?”, I decided to finish it first. I’m half through the book. I really hope that there is a solution at the end of the book; I’m looking at numerous articles on the web as well, since they’re shorter than a book.
I WANT TO BE DIFFERENT. THERE IS NOTHING MORE I EVER WANTED IN MY LIFE THAN TO UPROOT THIS TERRIBLE VALUES I HAVE AND REPLACE THEM WITH THE GOOD ONES.
Admittance is important, of course. I’m doing more than just sitting there and admitting things. I’m digging deep into my mind. I want to understand myself and know WHY? Why am I this way? Certainly I can’t rely solely on my own understanding.
Do not think that I see only bad in people – no!, I don’t. But I choose to focus on the negative, this is the problem. Like, by choice I’m looking at the defects. And I know it is wrong.
What’s interesting – I do commend others, and I do tell them about their good qualities and their efforts. And I do commend my children and my wife, too. The problem is – when I criticize, it really overtakes everything positive I ever said. Combine this with The Water Torturer personality – and here, a slow killer. Miserable man that I am!
So what am I going to do? What am I already doing? First, and most important – I am praying. I strongly believe in the power of sincere prayer, if I ask God to help me understand and give me wisdom, he gives me in a large amount. How could I understand all these things? Yes, the books and articles, but the same book talks about so many men who are still the same and will never change. I am not part of them. Tomorrow I won’t be the same as today. Because I don’t want to. Just like I’m working out in the gym, I’m exercising my mind as well.
Tonight, I will think more and more, and read. My purpose now is to first of all change and become the one I always wanted to be. I’ll write another page about who I really want to be. I know that my marriage is finished. I know that my children are against me. I’m trying to not believe this, but the facts are right in my face. Despite all these, my purpose is to become whom I always wanted to be. I know at least now how to look at myself and more-less the problems I have. Next step is to know what to do… and actually do it!
Here I found a great online article that tells how to change your ways if you’re admitting your abusiveness and desire to change. I am in agreement with all these, and really want to do just so. First part [my comments in square brackets]:
1. Listen to the Survivor
When one has been abusive, the very first – and one of the most difficult – skills of holding oneself accountable is learning to simply listen to the person or people whom one has harmed: – [true, it was so hard to just listen and to not stand for yourself. But I’m honestly willing to conquer that!]
Listening without becoming defensive. – [oh that was my number one problem! But I want, I want to do it anyway]
Listening without trying to equivocate or make excuses.
Listening without minimizing or denying the extent of the harm. – [Even though I really want to, I know how difficult this is. But now, I do understand the harm. Because previously I believed that only I was harmed. Now I understand a lot more]
Listening without trying to make oneself the center of the story being told. – [Yes, I will not do that]
When someone, particularly a partner or loved one, tells you that you have hurt or abused them, it can be easy to understand this as an accusation or attack. [every time I took it as accusation. Not anymore, I swear. My wife and kids love me, why would they falsely accuse me. I have to stop being so stupidly stubborn and just listen and care] Very often, this is our first assumption – that we are being attacked. [yes, yes, so true. Sometime all my wife did was expressing her feelings, and I took it as an attack, and I attacked back]
This is why so many perpetrators of abuse respond to survivors who confront them by saying something along the lines of, “I’m not abusing you. You are abusing me, right now, with this accusation!” – [I did say this. But I won’t anymore. I am not the same. Try me]
But this is the cycle of violence talking. This is the script that rape culture has built for us: a script in which there must be a hero and a villain, a right and a wrong, an accuser and an accused.
What if we understood being confronted about perpetuating abuse as an act of courage – even a gift – on the part of the survivor? – [She must have a lot of courage; therefore, I don’t expect this to happen soon]
What if, instead of reacting immediately in our own defense, we instead took the time to listen, to really try to understand the harm we might have done to another person? [I swear, I have tears in my eyes now – I really want to do it, with all my heart! I want to understand, and to undo, any way I can]
When we think of accountability in terms of listening and love instead of accusation and punishment, everything changes. [Absolutely agree. It’s not easy, though. Easier to speak. But there is a lot more than just words I’m willing to do, and doing already. I care]