The Water Torturer

Years went by
Thousands of memories haunt my mind
Wondering why
so much depression within a short life
day by day the

Madness turns to sadness
screaming for an end
Hating all that you’ve loved

All those friends
flee there is nowhere you can count
time goes slow
facing the isolation in this world
day by day the

Madness turns to sadness
screaming for an end
Hating all that you’ve loved
Hiding, crying, learning
All that has left from me
Echoes in the shadows

Secret Illusion – Echoes in the Shadows


Do you recognize yourself in this situation? I do. A lot. Shame on me…

If you can’t read, hold Ctrl on your keyboard and roll up your mouse wheel to magnify.


Or maybe here?

the-water-torturer 2

THE WATER TORTURER (From “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft) [my comments in square brackets]

The Water Torturer’s style proves that anger doesn’t cause abuse. He can assault his partner psychologically without even raising his voice. He tends to stay calm in arguments, using his own evenness as a weapon to push her over the edge. He often has a superior or contemptuous grin on his face, smug and self-assured [usually not, rather being puzzled]. He uses a repertoire of aggressive conversational tactics at low volume, including sarcasm, derision—such as openly laughing at her [Can’t remember myself doing this] mimicking her voice [I never did that], and cruel, cutting remarks. Like Mr. Right, he tends to take things she has said and twist them beyond recognition to make her appear absurd, perhaps especially in front of other people [not me. As I said, I have parts of this type and some from others]. He gets to his partner through a slow but steady stream of low-level emotional assaults, and perhaps occasional shoves or other minor acts of violence that don’t generally cause visible injury but may do great psychological harm [not to my wife but rather to kids, especially the older ones. I recognize this pattern in me, and I’m so sorry.]. He is relentless in his quiet derision and meanness.

The impact on a woman of all these subtle tactics is that either her blood temperature rises to a boil or she feels stupid and inferior, or some combination of the two. In an argument, she may end up yelling in frustration, leaving the room crying, or sinking into silence. The Water Torturer then says, “See, you’re the abusive one, not me. You’re the one who’s yelling and refusing to talk things out rationally [OH MY GOODNESS, THAT’S ME! I always waited until she got all heated-up and said just that…]. I wasn’t even raising my voice. It’s impossible to reason with you.”

At this point, seeing myself this way, and imagining it is someone else, I really begin to hate myself well… I don’t know what else to feel. I just feel like hating myself, even though I know it isn’t the right thing to do. I really begin to boil inside and wanting to beat myself up. But reminding myself that this isn’t the solution to the problem…I still wanna do that! But I swear, I swear that even though I acknowledge all these acts, including the thoughts I had then, I did not realize the impact I was making. I just thought that I was trying to stay cool in the situation and not to be provoked into a fight by my angry wife. And I, yes I, made her angry! I swear I didn’t realize that.

So… Let’s continue.
The Water Torturer tends to genuinely believe that there is nothing unusual about his behavior [true, he does. And, genuinely!]. When his partner starts to confront him with his abusiveness—which she usually does sooner or later—he looks at her as if she were crazy and says “What are you talking about? I’ve never done anything to you.” [moreover, he adds “Better see what you’re doing to me! And to kids!”] Friends and relatives who have witnessed the couple’s interactions may back him up. They shake their heads and say to each other “I don’t know what goes on with her. She just explodes at him sometimes, and he’s so low-key.” Their children can develop the impression that Mom blows up over nothing. She herself may start to wonder if there is something psychologically wrong with her.

Breakup of a couple with bad guy and sad girlfriend

The Water Torturer is payback-oriented like most abusive men, but he may hide it better [well, I can tell you that he may subconsciously hide it, without realizing it. Remember, he genuinely believes that nothing is wrong with him]. If he is physically abusive, his violence may take the form of cold-hearted slaps [emotionally only, in my own case] for your own good or to get you to wake up rather than explosive rage. His moves appear carefully thought out, and he rarely makes obvious mistakes—such as letting his abusiveness show in public—that could turn other people against him or get him in legal trouble.

Wouldn’t you just hate a guy like this? I would. I do. Hate and despise to my very guts! Oh, that is me, my own self…What am I going to do now?

The book continues: “This style of man rarely lasts long in an abuser program unless he has a court order. He is so accustomed to having complete success with his tactics that he can’t tolerate an environment where the counselors recognize and name his maneuvers and don’t let him get away with them. He tends to rapidly decide that his group leaders are as crazy as his partner and heads for the door.” – [This is true, unless he recognizes who he really is, repents, and is genuinely trying to change. Like most abusers, this type, in my opinion – at least what I discern about myself – doesn’t realize that his behavior is abusive and sincerely wonders why his family is turning against him. But once he does and decides to be different, he will be the most persistent in his efforts. And thanks to your eye-opening book, Mr. Bancroft, this is exactly what I’m doing.]

Today, after analyzing the person of me to a deeper level, I realized that I’m the type of abuser which wasn’t mentioned in the book “Why Does he do That?”.
I call it “The Magnifying Glass Inspector“.


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