Deep Thinking

“I, like every other person, have my own strengths and weaknesses. But only by thinking about my weaknesses and analyzing them deeply I can exercise and improve my strengths. Because looking at your own weaknesses requires strength. A lot of strength and much effort. Only then I will be able to turn my own weaknesses into strengths, my stumbling blocks into the stepping stones.
– Vadim

How can you throw your hopes
Away without even try
To take a new direction
New road to ride

How can you say there’s no
God up in the sky
If you never searched
Never tried to find

Fatal mistake
You’re drinking the poison
Of the snake
Digging your own grave

You’re choosing the wrong way
To heal your pain
Why do you sell your soul
For a so short price

And play these little dirty
Games with your life
Why don’t you fight against
The insisting gravity

That pulls you down to
A hole of grief

Fatal mistake
You’re drinking the poison
Of the snake
Digging your own grave
You’re choosing the wrong way
To heal your pain

Shining Star – Fatal Mistake

When reading this, please don’t think of me as such a wise person. My wisdom comes only from three books I’m reading: The Bible, “Why Does He Do That?”, and “Stop Hurting The Woman You Love”.
We, humans, differ from animals by the ability to think, and especially to analyze ourselves. I decided to not give into the sadness of my loneliness, but rather take advantage of my situation of living alone. Well, I’m doing sports, walking, etc. but the most important is that I do take time to think and analyze myself. I’m thinking of my feelings and past events. What had triggered me to behave a certain way? What was I feeling at the time and what was the final drop to overfill my already full glass?
I think more and more about how I feel, and what makes me feel this way and why. When I was abusive, what triggered my behavior? I remember that I have been accused in the things I have not done. I’ve been accused in thoughts I have not thought. I’ve been accused in being the person I really wasn’t. Or maybe I just thought of myself that I wasn’t that kind of person?
What does it mean to be an abuser, anyway? Is abuser the one who time after time gets angry and behaves scary to others? Is he the one who is tremendously jealous? Selfish? Nagging? Doubtful? Unfaithful? Accusative? Well, possessing any of these can be counted as a trait of abusiveness. I can tell for sure, though, that no abuser wants to be treated the way he is treating others. What he does is what he actually despises. But that’s toward himself, or course, while toward others his behavior is always justified by his reasoning [she provoked me; if you didn’t do that I wouldn’t do this; I’m saying it only for your benefit, etc.]. He doesn’t want to be treated by others the way he is treating them. At least this is what I came up to by analyzing myself. You won’t find this in the book “Why Does He Do That?”. This book is written by Mr. Bancroft who analyzes others, with abusive minds, who, as you remember, prefer to remain a mystery. It’s totally different thing when you, knowing yourself [admitting to yourself] as an abuser, decide to let go your mysteriousness and open up yourself to yourself [yes, that can be!] and see the crap you have inside. Like opening a nice shining toilet that always used to be cleaned from outside, and is shiny…ok ok, too much of a comparison, but you get the point, right? I mean – this is how it feels.
The feelings of being wrongfully accused and misjudged is what hurts me the most. When I hear accusations of desiring to cheat on my wife, while I know deep inside that I really-really want to be faithful, and especially that I am – makes me mad. And, when a child is mistreating his mother [my wife], hearing from her that his behavior is caused by me mistreating him, really makes me mad and bitter.
Thinking deeply about these thinks makes me wonder: Do not I myself actually accuse others in things they have not done, intentions they did not have, actions they did not take? I wrote above that things an abuser does are the reflection of what he actually hates. Therefore, I hate to hear these things about me, but I am talking to others those close to me in a degrading way. It is so twisted, my mind, isn’t it?
Well, I need to change the ways I think and feel. Easier said than done, but… Trying to understand Understanding how I make my family feel is the key. It really would be a great idea to analyze my own speech in small packets. Let’s imagine a situation and then try to analyze it:
My wife shops for chicken, she bought cleaned-up legs, no skin no bones, but the price is tripled! What do I say? I say: “Honey, why did you buy it at such a price? Aren’t you trying to save money? Look, I could buy the same thing for 3 times cheaper, and I could clean them myself and we would save money.” There is nothing wrong with saying this, right? Seems at the moment. Then, I have to be alone and analyze…
Analyzing started…

What message did I try to send my wife just now? That saving is important. That I care. That I’m willing to spend some time doing extra work [cleaning these chicken legs] in order to save money. Well, that is what I think and sincerely believe. On top of it, I’m trying to be nice and sound sweet! And when my wife bursts into tears and starts yelling at me that I am senseless and I don’t care about her feelings, I wonder “Is she really crazy? She doesn’t care!”.
Now, I’m trying to imagine what message my wife is receiving. Ah, that’s different! She hears: “You don’t care about family budget. You’re lazy [don’t want to clean up these legs yourself]. I’m better than you because I’m not lazy, and I’m smarter because I know better how to budget and I’m a hard-worker” – DUH!

Analyzing finished…
Time to apologize. Well, I just made up this situation, but there were so many similar ones. And I never apologized. Because I never even understood how I made her feel.

The question is – if I conveyed my thoughts wrongfully, what should I say instead? Think….Think again…Nothing comes to mind…
Think deeper………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..ARGH!!!!………………………………………………YES!
I conveyed my thoughts – my thoughts! This is the problem! I should not even think these thoughts! Yes, if I genuinely care about my wife and love her [and I do] I should only think at that moment hard she’s working at home [working full-time and then doing laundry, making lunches for kids, cleaning house, etc]; 2.what she felt when she found this product: “Oh, this will save me some time and energy, I’m too tired”; since this will save me time, I can actually cook something yummy for Vadim tonight”. And here I come and poke her bubble of little happiness!
The best thing would be to just say nothing. Or, if she’d mention this purchase to me , I should say “Oh, that’s great, this will save you time and effort! You’re doing a lot already, my love” – and say nothing about those overspent $10. And be happy. Everybody’s happy. Think this, if you aren’t happy, at the moment, how much would you be willing to pay to buy your family happiness? More than ten bucks, I bet! And happiness isn’t in things you buy, not in trips to restaurants. Happiness is in the ways we’re treating one another. Love does not look for its own interests.

Oh, I begin to sound like an adviser from those books about aid to relationships. No, this is only the result of my deep thinking, and nothing more. This is my own advise, or correction rather, to myself.

I am visiting a support group for anger management. Yesterday, we had a play which made me think quite deeply later on. The coordinator asked one volunteer to get another volunteer out of his chair, using any technique he likes. The attempts were made as following: someone suggested to give him money; another suggested to poke his butt until it hurt; another one promised the guy to help with winning his court – and this actually made him get out of the chair. Of course, it happened because neither suggestion with money nor poking has been applied. Then, the coordinator pointed to this fact: whenever we want something from others – either action or a thing – we’re all using our own ways and techniques in order to obtaining the desired result. We’re using what it takes, let it be a false promise, physical force, or a manipulation – and after certain technique gives us the desired result, we tend to use it another time. These are the typical dynamics of communications. Then I thought – do we actually think how our actions affect another person? If it’s our family member, we can hurt him either physically or emotionally, or both. Why not just ask politely “Can you please get out of this chair?” and maybe explain the reason why you need it so badly to get him out of this chair? And even better, on the long run, show an example by yielding in daily life. Especially to your family members and friends. [I think!] I begin to understand now how my ways of communication could improve.

I need to look at my wife and listen to her, without focusing on how she’s speaking but rather on what she’s saying and try to really understand how she’s feeling at the moment. I know this, I know, but why can I not just do it? I love my wife, I know it. Why then, do I become provoked by her?
My favorite Biblical scripture is 1 Corinthians ch.13. In verses 1-3 Paul speaks of the importance of love: “1. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels but do not have love, I have become a clanging gong or a clashing cymbal. 2. And if I have the gift of prophecy and understand all the sacred secrets and all knowledge, and if I have all the faith so as to move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3. And if I give all my belongings to feed others, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I do not benefit at all
Verses 4-8 define what true love is: “4. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous. It does not brag, does not get puffed up, 5. does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. 6. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. 7. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8. Love never fails…
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous. It does not brag, does not get puffed up, 5. does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. 6. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. 7. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8. Love never fails…
What a beautiful scripture!…Love does not become provoked. So, that means that during our arguments I lose my love for her? I don’t know. Who else? My kids? What do I feel toward my son when he clearly disrespects me? I do feel extremely mad, true. I never hit my son…I did slap him and sometime used to take some objects, like shoes, and throw at the wall flying his direction. But could I actually beat him eventually? I heard the expression “To push buttons” and this is what I feel he’s doing to me. Like, playing on the strings made of my tense nerves.
It’s not good, this feeling. Any acts of violence, emotional or physical, are not good. It begins with emotions, with feelings, and it just depends on the severity of the offence you feel whether you will let it become physical or not. And I know that even though this is only emotional and mental abuse, it isn’t what I really want to do. Can it be my weakness? Yes, certainly being an abuser is a weakness. It is this kind of weakness that you put forth in order to appear stronger. Therefore, I need to be stronger in order to conquer my weaknesses. Since abuse begins with feelings and thoughts, I must change my feelings and thoughts. Remove the poisonous plant by its roots.

This blog is not meant to be a psychology/family health/anger management aid – I mean, I myself have a problem, I am no doctor or psychologist or whatever, so do not start asking for help like I see on other blogs, this isn’t the right place.

At the anger management group which I’m visiting weekly, all guys have one thing in common – we all went through difficult times in our marriages. One of them said “It is nice to be among other guys who went through same things I did” – and then I thought to myself: “Yes, it is nice to be among people who had similar experiences, but they are not among whom I would like to remain. I want to be among those men who were able to overcome their problems, who were able to see their own errors and admit them to themselves, who were able to change.” And I sincerely wish that most of them, if not all, become these men.

I still find, though, the first book “Why Does He Do That?” more of eye-opening, even though it was originally written for women. Maybe Mr. Bancroft should write a revised version of this book and call it something like “Why Do I Do That?”.

Back to the book that changed my perception of myself. Abuse is not a certain action time after time. Abuse is the wrong way I’m treating my family day after day; therefore, abuse is the lifestyle based on certain wrong values and attitudes. I have to find out which ones, and most importantly, have to find out how to eliminate those from my mind and what to replace them with…
Different types of abusers are described in there, but I can only speak of those types which I recognize in myself. Nobody is one exact type only. There can be a lot from one and a bit from another. As for me, the major type of abusive mind that I have is The Water Torturer [page 237]


4 thoughts on “Deep Thinking”

  1. I am an abuser.

    Every major relationship in my life has ended because I am an abuser.

    About a month ago, I lost yet again.

    Because I am an abuser.

    Because I called her stupid

    Because I screamed at her for not putting the dishes in the dishwasher “the right way”

    Because I chased her round the house trying to take her phone away so she couldn’t talk to other people

    Because I pinned her against the closet door, arm cocked back ready to pummel her face.

    Because I tackled her to the floor, again trying to take her phone so she could not talk to anyone.

    Because she had some kind of secret that she wouldn’t tell me so I chased her into the bathroom and blocked the door so she could not leave until she told me what it was she didn’t want to talk about.

    Chased her down at work, followed her, stalked her, so I could know what she was doing.

    Screamed obscenities directed at her, less than 1 inch from her face, on several occasions

    Slapped her on the side of the head

    Read her private journals

    Hacked into her email

    and probably other things I can’t think of at the moment.

    There are times when I can stop myself, and times where things happen which would usualy make me want to scream or hit or whatnot, and I have no urge to abuse. There are times when I recognize the symptoms of wanting to lash out, and I choose not to. And there are times when I get so worked up that I am in a poor headspace and can’t think rationally and I hit, I scream, I
    They say that abusers can change, if they want to change.

    I want to change, I need to change, I have to change, or my soul will not survive. I’ve held it under water so long I think it may have drown.

    I am tired

    of hiding

    I am tired

    of hurting

    I am tired

    of hating


    This is the first time I feel okay

    about focusing on myself

    I don’t feel guilty about it

    Because I am doing it for me.

    Not doing it for anyone else

    so no need to worry

    “is this selfish? is this okay? are they looking at me poorly for being selfish?”

    I am controlling my own life

    through my own life

    instead of controlling others

    to gain control over my own life

    and environment

    I begin therapy in 2 weeks.

    I am so tired of battling with my brain.

    Tired of projecting my issues on her

    she is not a movie screen

    she is a human being

    with teeth and skin and heart and hands and feet

    and eyes and soul

    I don’t see that when I get jealous, when I get paranoid, when I get scared. I only see my jealousy, I only see my paranoia, I only see my parents walking out that door.

    Instead of seeing that she loved me, all I saw was what I was getting out of the deal.

    I could not accept that she just simply loved me.

    I could not SEE that she just simply loved me.

    I could not feel that she just simply loved me.

    for who I am

    I had to doubt

    I had to be scared

    for absolutely no reason at all


    All she did was love me.

    Rarely are abusers actually angry when they abuse.

    This is why anger management classes don’t work.

    Because abuse is fear

    abuse is jealousy

    abuse is projection

    abuse is a malformed survival instinct

    abuse is about control

    abuse is about power

    abuse is wrong


  2. please could i be anonymous,i feel so ashamed,my relationship is over,yet anther one,that has not worked out,after 7 years my boyfriend has said he wont take any more abuse from me,i have verbally attacked him again,i dont seem to have any control over my mouth and despise my self after,always sorry after,seem to be getting worse and being rude to a lot of my friends,lost a lot.i justify it in my mind saying,well its the truth,i have come from an abusive background,my father beating me and telling me,i was no good,my boyfriend lied to me times and i became a paranoid wreck,distorting back to old behaviour,i have had a recovery programme,a,c,o,a,not been for ages,the last three years has been crazy,i had brain surgery for an avm and now have epilepsey,my sister died of cancer and my partner left to go back to his ex,my son has gone to live in china and my bestfriend,my dog just died,i feel i am sitting on a volcano,erupting here and there,but getting worse,i have looked at my relationships with men,three serious ones and tfere are simular patterns and i resigned to living alone,as it always seem to end the same way,i just feel stroppy all the time and want conflict,why!when i want to be loved and love ex came back to work things out and i was trying to forgive and move on and when i said i would like a commitment,he said we will see how it goes,i called it a day,i felt,if you dont know after 7 yrs,when will you know,i raised everything that happened over the last 7 yrs,called him all the worst names ever,when he tried to leave,trid to prevent him,text him to what a scum he is,degraded him about his size,etc,etc,am i my father now,please god,i hope im not.


  3. Dear Kevin, thank you for sharing. I especially appreciate your last statements that abuse is fear and malformed survival instinct. Especially like that you pointed that it’s “malformed”. It is about control and power, but honestly it’s the desire for power out of fear. I’m afraid that I’ll be totally disrespected if I don’t exercise power. But look, I am actually totally disrespected! That’s why I completely agree with your last words “abuse is wrong”. Anger management classes, though, do work, have you attended them? They teach much more than simply how to control your anger. Actually, I got motivated to even start this blog after attending the group, plus reading this book. They must make reading this book a must in the group. I highly recommended them already. Thanks for your courage to share. All the best!


  4. It must have taken you a lot of courage to share these things. I learned this very important rule – acknowledging is good, it’s the first step[s] toward improving; blaming yourself and hating yourself [especially!] is destructive and won’t lead anywhere. Do not hate yourself, please. There is enough of others who will do it. Love yourself. And God loves you, too. Remember that.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s